Habits..

Habits are hard to let go. These can be small & harmless ones like getting up late or not missing your gym. Or worse, ones like smoking or working late nights.
They become such an integral part of your system, your routine or your existence, that even a single deviation in the path makes you feel strange.

The presence of somebody in your life, might also be another one of these dangerous habits. You get used to them being a part of your life cycle. Their existence is like a given. You fight with them, scream at them, love them, hate them. Yet you never realize that you might be taking them for granted. Or you might get so used to them, that even the idea of them not being a part of your life doesn't cross your mind

Habits are very hard to be broken. It gets very difficult to look at the other perspective and gather the courage and willingness to step up & break the monotony, the routine. You might want to get up early, but the insomnia doesn't let you sleep at night. You might want to quit smoking, but your body craves for it, your hand moves into the pocket, you need one to aid your digestive system in the least. You can even bet on breaking the habit of not making fun of your friends, but you let it go just because you have to make fun of the girl he's dating (Love Chandler but can't forget Elizabeth Hornswaggle in FRIENDS)

 Getting out of people is harder, for they form a part of you. From maybe just calling to wake you up to not being able to sleep without spooning them. From a booty call to a long distance relationship. From sleeping while holding your girlfriend's hands, to sleeping on your mother's lap. Each one of these habits is like normalcy, and a single blip in the life cycle graph shakes you to the core.
Not always can you bring the graph back to where it was, not always do you want to. Sometimes, there's actually a need of that variation. To make you realize that it is more than just a habit. Its your anchor, your safe zone. It can be both your normalcy or your complacency. All you have to do is place them in the right buckets.

Because, some habits die hard. Some habits have to be killed to be sane in this world. But then there are some habits, that always remain..

You are like a habit to me.. If I remove "H" a bit remains, I remove "a" and bit remains, I remove "b", hell, it still remains..

The Flower..

As much as I love fiction, I have never been good at fabricating it. I get mesmerized by what people write but my writing is void of any form of imagination whatsoever. Thus, whatever I write seems normal when I re-read it. But then I write from my life. I try to fit in every important piece of my life into my writing, and that's why it remains non fancy.. Just plain, simple, vanilla.

Last week, I left Ahmedabad in hope of another such normal weekend in Bombay (sue me but it'll always remain Bombay for me). I was to meet my Bhaiya & Bhabhi visiting from the US. I knew they were cool but then what "out-of-line" fun would a person living in a dry state expect from an elder brother & sister-in-law.

But somehow, it turned out to be the most wonderful weekend I had in the last few months. And thanks to both of them, it turned a new leaf in my life.

In those few days, they taught me how a person can rise to great heights despite the gravest falls. All you need, is to stand up again. They taught me how I was holding onto life too hard, expecting so much out of everything I do. They taught me to remember to give to the world and the universe will always give back. I used to laugh on the way he tipped at the hotel, but his logic made me think back on my values.
We hail from the land where spirituality is traded for money and their idea of peace is so wonderful and easily achievable that those 3 days, I did not feel the urge to touch my cell-phone even once.
We didn't go out clubbing, we did not visit shrines. The hotel room was solace & nothing else.. Their idea of giving best at work, spending time with family, appreciating each other, living life is so divine that I could not keep myself from blending into their colors.

He said one thing to me, "Remember the flower did not worry about attracting the bee. It concentrated on itself and just bloomed and the bee was attracted to it. Be the amazing flower that I know you are. Love you. Stay awesome & bloom."

And I know, wherever I go, this will go with me.. Being the flower.
Me. Plain and simple..

The innocence of his smile..

A Pink printed cap adorning that little devil's head while he tried to dance around the pole in the metro. He was extremely sweet, yet naughty at the same time. The more he tried to sound innocent, his actions seemed equally notorious.
Almost fell down a few times as he kept cracking jokes with his mom. Talking about his play school, fighting over the spelling he would spell aloud to boast the knowledge of his recent lessons.
"Spell 7", his mother asked. 
"No, 7 bahut lamba hai" was the reply she got.
"Acha, 6 bata do" and all she got was a smirk.

It was only after I brought the count all the way down to 1, that he started ranting out.
"O-N-E"
2 was next and he automatically stated "T-W-O" and so began the spell bee until we reached 7 in the right order.
All was going smoothly until their station arrived. His mother had by now forgotten the count of stations as she was reveling in pride for her little devil. As the doors were about to close, she grabbed him by his sweater and dashed towards the gate, laughing all through, leaving me with this amazing laugh, a beautiful smile.
A reminder of how simple & innocent childhood is. And a need to jot it down..

A Scary World out there..

Life goes on.. With its ups and downs.. We rise and we fall. Every topsy-turvy scares us a little.

Fear is something we live with, at every moment of life. From your first shrill cry to your very last breath, every step is associated with fear. Every change begins with the possibility and presence of fear.

Yes I am scared today. Scared of how it went. Scared of my current situation and myself. I am scared I might have lost the spark in myself. Scared that I might have given up. Scared that I may not get up this time.

I am also scared of tomorrow. Of how I would not be able to live up to expectations. Scared I might never achieve my goals. Scared that the world might not change. Or worse it will change and I may not be able to cope up.

Fear.. has become more of a companion now, than something to be scared of..

But this fear, also creates will.. This fear creates strength. To get up, to fight again, to not let go..

Fear is what brings out the worst in people.. But it also brings out the best. 

It brings out the real you..

Love.. At least at the moment..

I may seem to be sort of obsessed with Farhan's poetic verses.. But here was another one and how this one changed my resistance to loving again..

एक बात है जो होठों तक आयी नहीं , बस आँखों से है झाँकती।

तुमसे कभी, मुझसे कभी, कुछ लव्ज़ है वो मांगती। 

        जिनको पहन के होठों तक आजाये वो,

        आवाज़ की बाहों में बाहें डाल के इठलाये वो।
लेकिन जो ये एक बात है , एहसास ही एहसास है।
खुश्बू सी है जैसे हवा में तैरती।

        खुश्बू  जो बेआवाज़ है 

जिसका पता तुमको भी है, जिसकी खबर मुझको भी है
छुपाये से भी छुपता नहीं, ये जाने कैसा राज़ है...

Love is a strange place to be in.. You want it and you hate it at the same time. It may take just 3 months to fall or several years before you even realize that you love that person. And sometimes its just too late a realization.

Love can make you do crazy things. It can make you take that trip that you could not afford. It can make you write poetry and make sense. It can make you cook breakfast and feel happy about it.
It can make you smile from the inside. Feel peaceful. Feel serene, yet be impatient or eager at the same time.

You understand that when you lay in their arms and think of nothing but them. You feel that when your eyes are drooping, yet you wanna stay up and watch them sleep. You feel that when their eyes are searching only for you. You feel that when you don't wanna let go. When your fingers are entwined and you feel how well they fit in.

You fall for their crooked smile or that twinkle in their eyes when they look at you. You fall for that hug or the way they send a kiss over a text message. You fall for the way they pull you or the way they seem confused at times..

And it doesn't matter if you are still carrying your past baggage, everyone has them. You leave them and move beyond to another chance, another hit at happiness. Because you never know whats happening tomorrow. You think you have eternity to find your perfect match, but people are not perfect and you never have the eternity.

You may be a career person, but you want to come home tired and sleep in their arms. You might hate getting up early until and unless its their kiss you wake up to. You can be opposites or similar.
When its love, nothing matters. Every reason falls apart..

So this one's for you my dear.. I don't know yet if I am emotionally involved or not. I don't know if I have fallen head over heels for you. I don't even know the technicality of "love" I have for you.
All I know is that love is not supposed to be that complicated. Its just supposed to be love. So I may not be your happily ever after. I may not be destined to grow old with you. I may not have all that and the other things ahead. Still I wanna try us. With disclaimers, with terms n conditions, even if you promise to run as soon as it burns. I wanna try us, because my heart never said no to it. And it might be a step to getting hurt, but that's a risk I am willing to take..

Because I know I'll have you. And I know that's enough, at least for the moment..

2014 - An Optimistic Beginning..

2013 was a year of upheavals.. Good or Bad, it changed lives in some or the other manner. There were achievements and retirements. Birth of new political parties and loss of near and dear ones.

2013 has been a year of changes and evolution.. It has been an exciting year nonetheless. I am walking down the memory lane remembering what happened in 2013. Remembering the good and bad times.

I am not a supporter of optimism. Pessimism runs through my brain and blood and nerves altogether. I am a extreme pessimist and proud of that. But I have this strange sense of optimism that is running as the year changes its last digit.

A ray of hope, of happiness, of better times. Of new beginnings, of new chapters in life. Whispering into my ear, I can hear sounds telling my heart to calm down. To forget the hardships of 2013 and that this year will bring in success and smiles.

So I don't know if I am writing this for the guy I can't sleep without talking to(& m not allowed to fall for) or my ex. I don't know if I am writing it for my best friends, whom I could not give enough time in past few months, or the one who is in US and I am wishing would come back soon.
I don't know if I am writing this for new beginnings at my workplace or for the ones I have left behind.
I don't know whether its for my parents to understand or for my brother to wish him luck and love.
Or maybe I am writing this to reinforce the optimism in myself..

I am trying to picture how I want my coming year to be. I just know that there is a happiness or there is a thirst to find happiness. 

Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho, Toh zinda ho tum!
Nazar mein khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho, Toh zinda ho tum!Hawa ke jhonkon ke jaise aazad rehna seekho,
Tum ek dariya ke jaise, leharon mein behna seekho,
Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein.
Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhe ye nigaahe.Jo apni aankhon mein hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho, Toh zinda ho tum!
Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho, Toh zinda ho tum!

I heard this quote travelling in the metro today and asked myself: Does my life have enough things to achieve yet?  Do I have enough dreams to work on yet? And the answer was yes..

So all I need is to open my wings and fly. To open my mind and see every other moment as a new opportunity to strike a mark. To keep my eyes wide, To keep my arms open, to look for people who love me and keep them close, not let them go. To be ready for whatever life throws at me. To turn it into the way I want it to be. To love. To live. To Laugh. To finish animosities. To mature and move on. 

For it will make my life peaceful, easier.. It will make 2014, a true new beginning..

Change is the only constant in life..

However clichéd the statement may sound, it is after all the ultimate truth of life.

You grow up, move on. Take Risks which either fail or become successes. Trust people, get betrayed or treated well. Friends fall behind, enemies get tired. And the list goes on..

Still, there are things and people in life that you stick to. Things which become a part of you. People you don't want to let go. Who gradually become a constant. As constant as you or your life.

But the process of permanency of the variables is lengthy and painful. It may take patience, fights, pains (emotional and/or physical), time and what not.

Doing yoga every morning, or your sweetheart you decide to marry. Eating habits or sleeping trends. TV shows or playing Sudoku.
Every constant is a result of serious thought and effort. But then what if You're not that confident or strong enough to make that effort or to think it through. What if every time a glitch appears, you run away, you go into hiding to come out after the storm has past..

You realize in the end that you have lost everything or everyone. That the storm took away everyone you loved or cherished and left you again with nothing but loneliness.

Eventually the constants in your life are: Emptiness, the chaos in your heart, the habit of "not thinking" and of course.. Change..